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March 3, 2008

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I'm not usually a downer...I'm usually the opposite- the person people call when they need to be cheered up, or at the very least, the one they call when they want someone to be pissed-off along with them.
It all began last night. Since leaving NC last Sunday, I had made my peace with my Grandmother being ill...not that I'd forgotten about it, but I had become more accepting of the fact that she isn't 70 years old anymore. I think part of my acceptance began when she was put on a fluid IV and started staying awake instead of sleeping most of her days...actually, I think it was more hope than acceptance. Anyway, last night I'd cooked a particularly fantastic meal of homemade mashed potatoes complete with gravy and hamburger steak. We'd just sat down to eat when the phone rang. I knew Mom and Dad had gone down to Swan Quarter to visit with Mama Clair, my aunt and uncle- so I immediately picked up the phone.
"Hello."
"Hey baby, wha'cha doing?" Mom said.
"Umm, about to eat...are you ok? How was Mama Clair today?" I asked.
"We just got back...Mama Clair isn't good, she didn't know me today," her voice cracked a bit as she told me.
I found myself wanting to get off the phone and pretend the conversation didn't happen. I wanted to pretend that it was last week, when she knew everyone...when she looked me in the eyes and tried her best to smile...when she looked at me and asked how everything was...
My heart hurts. I'm in a funk.

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