February 2, 2013

The F Word

The F Word. The F Bomb. What the F?!

On a normal day, the F word you're more than likely thinking of- wouldn't phase me. I wouldn't bat an eye or even perk my ears up. But this F word, wasn't that F word.

Foreclosure. A word you hear and your heart sinks...your breath escapes your body and life begins moving in slow motion. The 'why, how, when and what the f's flood your brain...or mine at least.

I first heard WF (the barn where I board my horse) was foreclosing from a few sources, prior to hearing it straight...from the horse's mouth. (WF - add one letter in the middle & you'll get my reaction to the news!)

The story I got "straight from the horse" should've soothed me, it should've calmed me down- and it did temporarily...but in the end, it left me with more questions than answers- and quite frankly, it just didn't make any sense. I was told not to worry- I was told 'by Monday' they'd hopefully have some answers about saving part of the farm. Monday turned into Friday, then the next Monday...and no one had any more answers than they had the day I first heard the F bomb.

On that day, my sister-from-another-mister, Danielle, who broke her back working at the farm this summer, also learned of the news. While my mind raced with thoughts of what I would do and where my horse would go...I felt sick to my stomach for her. Not only was she told her horses would have to find a new place to live- but she would have to now find a new job...ironically, right as she was about to return to work at the farm. (Talk about getting kicked in the broken-back when you're down, dude!)

I couldn't focus- the worry consumed me- worry for everyone. It was really like losing a relative- I went through all the emotions you go through when you lose something close to you. Shock, numbness, disbelief, anger, fear, grief...yep, all of it. I felt it all on repeat- which is why it's taken me almost a month to write about it. I didn't want to write anything & have it be swayed by the way I was feeling at that moment...because my emotions? They were all-over-the-place. I would tear up thinking about how amazing the farm was- and how spoiled I'd become. I would get depressed when I'd think of all the fun times Little Miss & I had with Danielle & her girls on the horses...and the reality that our horses probably wouldn't find a place together. (Why, WHY didn't they give her a heads up!? She worked there! What the foreclosure?!) I would become angry at the owner's for putting us all in this position. I would then feel guilty- for getting so angry at them- obviously, they're going through it too. I wondered and worried where everyone would go. Our area is far from "horse country" and spots at a farm are very limited.

In a barn with 20+ boarders, I knew it would end up being every man (and horse) for himself. I knew it would get ugly. I could see it all happening long before it actually did...and of course, it did. I mean, it's a barn full of women...can you imagine? The claws were being sharpened with every drop of any F bomb. Everyone who knew of the foreclosure was being hushed- because some employees hadn't been told yet. While this hurt my heart beyond belief- because these particular employees were the ones who had been hands-on with my horse...I bit my tongue. No one could be trusted- as far as many were concerned.

I started making calls immediately to find something for my horse. (And had my first ever panic attack.) I knew I couldn't stay there any longer than I had to- I know myself & while I don't play games, others do...and my general response to game players is to take their dice, and calmly place them down their throat. (Calmly, like a skinny Tony Soprano kicking the teeth out of Coco.)

Thankfully, my amazing friend offered a spot at her barn for my man to bunk in. I'd planned to move my horse the week after I got my wisdom teeth out...since I'd already paid board up through that week. However, the day I helped Danielle move her guys- I got a strange feeling in my gut. It wasn't the same warm-fuzzy-welcoming place I'd come to love. WF has never been a place I've worried about my horse...I always knew he would be cared for- but on this day, I drove out of the driveway and felt sick. Maybe I was worrying for nothing- but I knew I wouldn't sleep until my relocation was done.

I cried as I loaded my big, white man into the trailer to head for his new home the following day...not because I was leaving- but because one of the employees who didn't know of any F bomb, teared up he told my horse good-bye.

"Goodbye, Mr. are good horse. Be good boy," he said. (He often spoke in Spanish to the horses- and they loved it.)
"Thank you for all your hard work, friend," I said to him, before I forced myself to walk away. (I wanted to say "Can you work a camera? You're hired!" It broke my heart.)

Moving my horse has ended up working out more perfect than I could've imagined. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful friend who would open her barn up to us. (Love you, Case!) I get to see my horse every day- we've already bonded more in just a few weeks than we did in an entire month at WF. He gets along great with his 'roommate' & one of the best parts? No More's not just a Mary J. Blige song, ya'll.


  1. I love you and Tristan too!!! :)
    Thanks for being a great pasture mate and friend to me and my big Bromo! <3

  2. Oh, my gosh Eden! I had no idea of the barn foreclosure. I know that must have been hard. I am glad that you found a good place to keep your horse and a good friend to help. I hope everyone is doing well at your house. Life with 3 kids definitely keeps me running. Although I did take my first after baby ride this week and it was wonderful! Miss you lots! Love you!