August 9, 2016

3 Months of Learning

3 months.

I have learned more than I expected about myself in the last three months since losing my daddy. I always took pride in being strong...being tough...being able to handle more than anyone ever expected me to. I have lost family members in the past. I have made the decision to say goodbye to dogs and horses that I worked tireless hours to take care of- stood by them as they took their last breath and fell to the ground. I stood in the pasture and watched as my equine friend was buried. 

I don't know how you stood there and're tougher than me, I was told many times.

I didn't understand that statement. The hard part was knowing the loss was coming and seeing someone special to me in pain. Watching their pain hurt me worse than the loss of their presence.

When we lost daddy, I learned that I am absolutely not as tough as I thought.

My emotions on a daily basis can vary so widely that I feel like I'm completely losing my mind at least 60% of the time. On the days that I wake up okay, thinking 'okay, I got is going to be okay' I break down before I've even had my coffee. On days that I wake up sad, I end up holding it together. It makes absolutely no sense. Being a control freak, you can imagine how much this drives me up a wall.

I have never ever been a person who likes to be sad. I don't dwell on things. I don't wallow in misery like a pig in slop- in fact, that is one of my biggest pet peeves. There is always a silver lining...find it! But where is the silver lining here?

I'm learning that I haven't ever really mourned, until now. I also learned that there comes a point in mourning where you feel so broken that nothing else can tear you down. {A month after Daddy passed away, our beloved chihuahua passed away suddenly. I couldn't cry. The tears just weren't there.}

I still fight with feeling jealous of strangers who have their fathers. Jealousy...another emotion I'm not fond of, nor familiar with. Will that feeling fade?

In these last three months, I have learned many things- most that lead to more questions about myself. Learning how to mourn will be a daily lesson, as it is for many. We just have to take it one day at a time.

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