Creatures of Habit

Feeding time. 6:30am every day.

This morning…one very short day into Daylight Savings Time, I yawn my way downstairs to feed the ponies.

“Good morning, babies! It’s breakfast time!” I say, at a dull but chipper roar. (You’re welcome, neighbors. This is also your alarm. Good morning.)

I hear a scuttling sound next to the barn and peek around the corner to see both horses stretching and yawning.

Tristan gives me the loving, side-eye we are both known for. 

The sun isn’t even awake yet, Ma…

“I don’t have time to watch the sunrise with you two…get in the barn so I can get your blankets off,” I say.

And so it begins. The snorting, stomping, and running of the trusty(?) steeds.

Nope…it’s an hour too early for breakfast. Something is wrong. Maybe the vet is coming? Farrier? Something is definitely up. She’s never down here this early. THE SUN ISN’T EVEN AWAKE.

“Get. In. The. BARN.”

She’s tricking us! It’s too early…maybe that isn’t even our mom!?! She’s never early. *makes large noise sounding like velociraptor* Spooks himself, other horse, and two goats. Now we have a running parade of animals, which prompts the dogs to start barking and my vocabulary to become more colorful.

I catch a glimpse of my reflection as the sun rises…with my beanie half way on, jacket thrown over my pajamas, and muck boots on…I’m really a vision. Coworker drives by…honks…parade of prancing idiots continues as I stomp off to grab a halter.

I catch Tristan, throw his halter on & take his blanket off as he stands perfectly still, like the gentleman he is.

“Alright…come on. Let's go eat breakfast,” I say, tugging on his halter.

No ma’am. We have 30 more minutes before the buffet opens for breakfast. I’ll wait. Stomps hoof, gentlemanly.

Hooves firmly planted. Not moving a whisker. I move over to Roscoe…who is certain the world is ending because that is apparently what Tristan has told him.

Nope! Simulation Mom…she’s an imposter!!! RUN EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!

The parade begins again.

“FINE. YOU CAN SWEAT AND STARVE UNTIL I GET HOME FOR LUNCH WHEN WE TRY THIS F*$%ING SH%*SHOW AGAIN. YOU’RE BOTH JACKASSES.”

Both horses stop, look at me…then prance off in the opposite direction. (At this point, both sure I’m an imposter because I never yell at them. Okay…it’s rare.)

“But…I love you. MAKE BETTER CHOICES! And don’t forget to drink water.”

Happy Monday, everyone. No, riding a horse to work won’t be cheaper or easier than paying the rising gas prices- but it will be more entertaining.