Not Yet...

It’s been two weeks since I allowed myself to think about what happened... 

Two weeks since I put my hand on my dad’s urn and whispered, “Not yet…she can’t go yet,” before leaving my childhood home to follow an ambulance with my mama inside.

It started with a panicked phone call. Chest pain. Blood pressure of 179/105. She’d called an ambulance. Without thinking, I walked out of work and drove to her house, my heart pounding with memories of another day when I rushed there in a similar fashion— the day we lost my dad. I begged God on the drive that today wouldn’t be the day I lost my mom too.

When I arrived, I found her wearing her trademark smile, reassuring me that she was going to be okay. That’s my mama—comforting everyone else, no matter the situation. The EMTs hooked her up to a heart monitor and confirmed we needed to head to the hospital. Mom hopped up from the chair and struck out to the ambulance.

“Ma’am, we will need you to get on the stretcher,” they said, giggling.

“Oh…I can’t ride shotgun?!” she replied with a smile.

At the hospital, tests were run, and it was decided we’d need to transfer her to a larger facility for a heart catheterization. I had my game-face on, but it was as fake as a Chinatown purse. Inside, I was crumbling but I knew I couldn’t show it. 

While awaiting the results from the heart catheterization, we went to the gift shop to look for something to brighten Mom’s day. Leopard pajamas? Sold!

“Are you Kathryn Spencer’s daughter?” a nurse asked me.

I felt the blood drain out of my face; my knees buckled.

“Yes?” I replied.

“Can you follow me? The doctor wants to see you,” she said.

All I could hear was my heart beating in my ears. This seems too urgent. Why isn’t she telling me anything? 

The fear was trying to force its way in. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t let it in. Game. Face. On. I held my husband‘s hand and squeezed it as tight as I could to try to stop myself from getting ahead of what I didn’t yet know. 

The doctor explained that my mom had four blockages over 90%. He’d placed a balloon pump to stabilize her, but she’d need open-heart surgery the following day. I wasn’t processing…I was looking, listening, and blinking…but the words were not processing. How? My mom is the healthiest person I know. She just had two heart evaluations this year before both of her knee surgeries…quadruple bypass?

The nurse offered to walk us to the ICU waiting room. We followed her and I looked at the familiar paintings on the walls. This was the same hospital- the same floor, that my dad was on. We got to the waiting room and my legs felt like they were weighted down in cement. I couldn’t move. The doctor’s words had processed and I crumbled. My husband held me as I completely lost my shit—worry, anger, fear…it was all pouring out of my eyeballs. 

“She’s tough. She’s going to be just fine,” he whispered.

After a few minutes, I shook it off, took a deep breath, and reapplied some makeup. (Ironically, from the makeup bag that my mom wouldn’t let the ambulance leave without.) 

Faux-game-face, reengaged.

We walked into the ICU and were greeted with a smile as Mom extended her hands to us.

“I have to have surgery tomorrow,” she said.

“We do,” I said, squeezing her hand.

While my faux-game-face was on, I knew she saw right through me. Her worry wasn’t for herself, but for me- for us. No matter how old you are as a mother, your baby is always your baby.

The morning of her surgery, something shifted. I woke up with a strange sense of peace- I knew God had this. Fear was no longer knocking on our door- it had given up.

The surgery seemed like it took days. The surgeon met with us while Mom was in recovery and explained the entire procedure. Mom did amazing through the surgery- but he found an additional blockage. So she actually had a quintuple bypass. 

“This isn’t something that happens quickly…blockages like this?” I asked, with the previous evaluations she’d had heavy on my mind.

“No ma’am, it took 77 years,” he said. 

Seeing her afterward was nothing short of a miracle. The following morning, she was sitting up, asking for her makeup. Her lipstick and mascara had somehow survived the chaos of the past few days, but she was ready for a new application. (Note to self: get the brands of both) 

“You know, Jesus was with me the whole time,” she explained.

I am sure He was. Him, and probably a few bossy angels…all of which had been hearing our nonstop prayers.

Today, my mom has been home for a week…and as I drove to her house this morning, I let myself have a little meltdown. Since the hallway in front of the ICU waiting room, I haven’t allowed myself to think about the severity of the situation we found ourselves in. I had too much to do, too much to think about, and I knew breaking down wouldn’t help anyone. Let’s be honest- since I was surviving on coffee and fast food, I’m not sure I was even hydrated enough to have a meltdown.

Now...I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. I'm so thankful for the friends who prayed, texted, and brought meals, and for the community that’s still showing up for us. For the doctors, nurses, and every hand that helped my mom. Most of all, I’m thankful for her strength—and her smile that’s as radiant as ever.

This experience reminded me of the fragility of life. Like that Tim McGraw song, sometimes it takes staring down the unimaginable to live with true gratitude. You don’t have to ride a bull tomorrow, but you should hug your loved ones tighter….say “I love you” more than feels necessary because it’s never too much.