The Hardest Day In A Cowgirls Life

Not much phases cowgirls. They see it all. They feed early in the morning and late at night, they muck stalls and horse manure is the least thing that would make them turn their nose up. Cowgirls spend sleepless nights doctoring sick horses...or worrying about what they can do to 'fix' an injury.

Staying on a horse isn't what makes you a cowgirl- caring for your mount is what makes you a cowgirl. The hours spent in the barn out of the saddle...that is what makes you a cowgirl.

A cowgirls job isn't an easy one...but you'll rarely hear a complaint. There is only one moment in a cowgirls life that she'll admit is hard...and she will cry on that day. She won't hide her tears on that day because nothing else matters to her...on that day. The day she loses her horse.

On Monday, I had to say goodbye to Broadway. He had yet another abscess in his hoof and was no longer walking. He would lay in the pasture and grind his teeth from the pain. I laid in the sand with him as he shook. I watched and calmed him as he had the equivalent to a seizure...multiple times. 

I made the call to the vet to have him put down. The hardest decision in a cowgirls life. I felt like a failure. I worked so hard to get him healthy...to "save" him. My heart ached as I helplessly stroked his face. 

"I'm sorry I couldn't do what I promised I'd do for you, buddy...I'm sorry I couldn't make it better," I whispered to him, tears rolling down my face and onto his nose.

He lifted his head and placed his nose into my lap. He nuzzled me with his ears forward. At that moment a calmness came over me. I knew I was doing what I'd promised him- I was going to take the pain away from him. I wasn't going to selfishly keep him on Earth for me. He wasn't passing away in a pasture alone- from malnutrition and God knows what else. No, I decided a year and a half ago that wasn't going to happen. He spent his last year and a half here in a loving environment- with so much love from so many people.  He was going to pass peacefully...and I knew I'd done exactly what I'd promised.

After he was gone, I stayed in the pasture with his shell. His spirit was gone- but his body was waiting to be buried. The friend who kindly came to bury him with his tractor begged me to go inside.

"Please, Eden...you don't want to watch this now. Please go inside," he said.

"No, I'm not leaving him. I haven't left him for a year and a half and I'm not going now," I said.

He knew there was no use arguing. I watched his burial and the tears slowed. My dad stood with me- tears streamed down his face.

"This hurts so bad...it makes it- it makes you not want to start over with another one because of how this hurts," he said.

"No...no no. They give you enough love when they're with you- they fill your heart with so much love and joy that it carries over. It makes you strong enough to start over with another," I explained.

He nodded.

There will never be a replacement. There wasn't a replacement for Sham when I lost her at 9 years old- there wasn't a replacement for Brandy when I lost him at 16. There are wonderful memories and knowledge that carries over...things that you see in another horse that remind you of all the good from your previous love. But never a replacement. 

Broadway - I will miss your kind eye and sweet nature. I will miss the way you used to peep at me through the gate...just like Brandy did when I was little. I will miss the hours we spent together every day. Little Miss says you have wings now- so I don't have to worry that you're hurting anymore. She is so wise, isn't she? Thank you for all the joy you brought to me and my family. We will always miss you.

Dear Little Miss: Graduation

Dear Little Miss,

Tonight, you'll put on your white cap and gown. You'll stand up in front of a room full of (mostly) strangers and read a book, all by yourself. You'll walk across the stage and take your diploma from your teachers...and you'll graduate preschool.

I can't believe this day is already here. It really seems like just yesterday that I nervously called your preschool for the first time- shortly after we moved from Brooklyn to Kill Devil Hills. I was comforted by a very kind voice, who answered all my questions...and I knew this was the place for us- for you. I knew they would prepare you for kindergarten- but would hold you and hug you when you needed to be a baby, even just for a moment. That's exactly what we've seen over the last 3 years...love, kindness, teaching, and did I mention love?

I remember your first day- it wasn't the first day of the school year...which made it a little more difficult on us both. All the other kids knew each other, as did all the other parents- we were the new kids on the block. Your teachers held us both when we had tough mornings. As confident as you were at home, you were very shy and quiet at school. You refused to eat snack or even drink water with your classmates.

Your next year of preschool began with extreme excitement because...we could walk to school! You were welcomed by friends from your previous year of school. Some of the same anxieties were there for both of us- but the familiar faces, room and routine helped us hug and kiss goodbye. This year I saw you grow into your own little person more than ever before. You had your own little crew of friends to pal around with- but if I was around, you'd still rather hang with me. You began accomplishing morning table work with minimal help from me and your teachers. You had your first 'time out' in school this year- for throwing a dollhouse at a little girl who is now one of your good friends. 

This year, your first day of school was all excitement- and not just because we could walk to school. You were excited to learn. You were excited to see your friends- many of which you'd been in school with for the last few years- but some you'd met in other activities outside of school. You were excited to show me what you could do with your table work- and this time, you didn't need my help at all. You grabbed the paint brush and painted that big A like you'd been dreaming about it. You wrote your name on your own and moved on to the next table...with your best friend at your side.

This year I've watched you do so many firsts. We went on your first field trip to Disney On Ice and to the Norfolk Zoo. We had many play-dates in the afternoon with your friends...who (thankfully) have amazing moms who I now call my best friends. Your personality has flourished. You are secure in your own skin and the confidence you have behind a microphone is baffling to me. You have the most hilarious sense of humor...and a bit of a diva attitude. (Okay, so you make JLo look like Laura Ingells.)  You even decided who you plan to marry- and I am pretty sure you even have a few back ups, just in case.

Don't rush life, little one...you have so much to enjoy ahead of you. You're going to learn so many new things at your new school- and in time, you'll be just as comfortable there as you were at your preschool. Keep your strong will and don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't do something...you can do anything you put your mind to- and if you ever don't feel comfortable doing something, use that same strong will to say no.

You're my everything. I'm so proud of you every second of every day...but today- I'm overflowing with pride and joy.

I love you with all my heart.

-Mama

Tiny Dancer

Every Monday since the fall, Little Miss has joined the girls at Dare County Parks & Rec for dance practice. They have tapped and ballet'd and plea- um, well- you get the idea. Since the first day of practice this year, Little Miss has asked when- oh, when- will her dance recital be?! How much longer?

She was ready to jump up on the stage and dance her toes off. Stage fright? Pah-lease. 

Last year, her Bub stayed in the backstage area with her- but this year, Little Miss hung out with her girls and the backstage-mom all by herself. (This may not seem like a lot- but these little girls, with the help of the backstage mama/saint, have to change into a whole new outfit...and quickly.)

After lots of kisses were exchanged, I made my way out to the auditorium to find a seat. (Okay, I cried a little too.)

Raindrops are falling on my head!!

My little ballerina!

Next year, Little Miss has decided she'd like to learn some hiphop dance routines. She's ready for her official b-girl status. Yo yo yo...whaaad uuuup ;-)

A ZOO of a Post!

As I mentioned in the mini post...we went to the zoo last week with Little Miss's preschool class. This is the first year we've been able to join in on the big, end-of-the-year trip and I we were so excited!!

We've visited zoos all over the country- and I have to say...the Norfolk Zoo is incredible. Each exhibit is so well cared for- the animals all seem happy and content. It was such a pleasure to spend the day there! (Seriously, the Bronx Zoo could take some serious pointers.)

Little Miss & some of her favorite people.

Our animal friends...you know I had a hard time not busting these guys out of their cages. Next time, I'm bringing wire-cutters in the camera bag. I couldn't help but feel sad for these animals- as happy and content as they seemed, they're in cages. This is not how they're supposed to be living. As much as I enjoyed being able to see them up close and show Little Miss up close- it broke my heart for them.

Papa Orangoutang...hiding his sweet face.

On our way out, we had to stop and have a Tyra moment. Little Miss loves America's Next Top Model. This was totally unprompted...and she did these poses herself.

We were so excited for Bub to join us on our trip! The plan was- zoo, grab lunch quick, pick up hay and rush back to get Little Miss to dance rehearsal on time. Sounds totally do-able right? Mmhmm.

We leave the zoo with plenty of time to grab lunch and the hay, as planned. We arrive at the hay spot- get the hay loaded when the lil feller who loads the hay says..."Oh, can I put these last three on the top if I tie them?" 

Let me paint the picture for you- there are two layers of hay in the back of my truck already, so these three bales will be teetering on the top, slightly above the cab of the truck. Picture painted? Alrighty.

Seeing as there was a chance of rain, I suggested we tie the bales together and add a tarp into the mix. (Because surely if we tarp it, it's definitely not going to rain!) Homeboy starts telling me about his super cool beach house he (ahem, his parents b/c he's all of 17) owns near me...and how he just came down last weekend to mow the yard...etc, etc. This is when I begin to get concerned because there needed to be less talking and more securing the mother-loving hay. (Note to self: stop picking up hay alone. Teach husband how to speak cowboy & make him deal with hay people.)

We barely get out of the long, winding drive of the hay spot before the tarp flies off. Seriously, my truck looked like it was skydiving...that tarp took flight, parachute style. I rip the tarp off...tell Little Miss to cover her ears & hoist myself up onto the top layer of the hay to make sure the three bales I was assured were tied together, were indeed tied together. There weren't. Sweet! I tie the two (70lb) outer bales together- because surely if the outer two are tied together they'll all stay up there, right? 

We made it about half way home and are cruising along at 55mph on a straight away when the two bales that were tied together took flight. Thankfully there was no one behind us. Did I mention it was a little windy? Like blowing 25-30? 

I see where the bales landed and decide that it's too dangerous for me to stop in the middle of four lanes of traffic to move them. (One made it to the side of the road, the other was closer to the center lane...but it's a freaking bale of hay- how can you miss it?!)

Then I see blue lights...for the love of worms and dirt, seriously!?!? Now we're definitely going to be late to dance. (*#^%(*@&(%&*!!!

I scramble for my license and registration.

"Hi ma'am, did you lose some hay?" the officer asks.

"Hi sir! Um...did I?!?" (I know...totally playing up the sweet, stupid, southern blonde. Big smile, big accent.)

"Well, I think it might've been you? If you want to pick them up, I will stop traffic for you. Otherwise, you can just be on your way. No harm done."

"Oh...okay, well if I won't get in trouble for not going back- I'm going to head on home," I explain and tell him my daughter has dance to get to.

Off we go, again.

Not five minutes later a red truck driven by an asshole who I'm sure was from Maryland, motions for me to roll my window down.

"You lost some hay back there...and you caused a huge accident!! There are ambulances and fire trucks!" he says in his most 'tough guy' voice.

My blood boils. I know this is a total lie b/c I'd just talked to the State Trooper. 

I took my one hand off the wheel and did my very best to put my finger in his face- which was difficult to do seeing as he was in his car and I was in mine...but it needed to be done.

"NUH UH sir...that's a TOTAL lie. I just spoke to the state trooper and there was NO accident and NO one got hurt." (I was so upset Little Miss didn't have her headphones on or he wouldn't gotten a MUCH more involved response.)

He rolled his window up immediately. Apparently my hay was covering up my "I don't take shit from anyone" bumper sticker. Who does that!? Who makes up a total lie just to scare the shit out of someone...a total stranger at that? My mom, who was in the passenger seat, didn't say a word. Asshole-from-Maryland is so very lucky she was riding shotgun and not my husband.

So that was the end to the day. Little Miss made it to dance a little late- but she made it. And the rest of the hay made it home safe.

All Sorts of Crazy

Tis the season...for what? You might ask. Well apparently, tis the season for hysterical meltdowns, that's what. I'm going to tell you a little story about the day I made just about anyone and everyone I encountered super uncomfortable.

It's May- which is the end of Little Miss's career as a preschooler. It seems like just yesterday I made the phone call to get her enrolled just after her 3rd birthday. On this particular morning, I was shooting her preschool's graduation photos...with...their...caps and gowns. (Is anyone else already tearing up? Just me?) I handled it relatively well until I saw my little preschooler in her cap and gown. Her entire school career flashed before my eyes and I saw her walking across the stage at Waterside Theater- just as I did when I graduated high school. (It didn't help that we were shooting the photos right next to Waterside Theater. Brilliant idea, photographer.) I put my sunglasses on and managed to keep it together enough that I don't think anyone realized I was totally losing my shit. After individual pictures, the class went back to school to get ready for the big group shot and I ran up to the barn to give Broadway his breakfast.

We all know what an animal fruit loop I am, right? It's been discussed? I have a lot of animals and treat them all like they're less furry and have two legs? Yea, that's pretty much it.

Broadway has been moving considerably better since he got his Christian Louboutin's on his feet. (That's what I call his fancy heart bar shoes.) I was thrilled to see his progress- he was no longer just standing out in the pasture, he was on the move! However, on this particular morning he wasn't his new-self...he was back to his old, 'I'm hurting, Fix it for me' self. He was propping his leg out and practically pointing to his hoof. I know this may seem expected- and I should've expected it. Broadway went from practically lame to "healed" in a matter of days. Why wouldn't I expect a setback or two? Because I don't want setbacks- I don't want it to take weeks- I want him fixed NOW. He's been through so very much- from weight issues to an issue that only geldings can suffer from that I won't go into details with on my blog, to arthritis issues, to hoof issues...and now more? Seriously, how much more can we go through? 

I sat down in the dirt and cried. I cried because I couldn't fix him. I cried because of all he's been through. I cried because I was terrified that this was it. This was going to be the one thing I couldn't fix...and I was going to lose him. Yes, I went there. A leg prop and sad eyes took me to that place. I was certain this was the end.

I pulled myself together and headed off to do the preschool group photo. I couldn't tell anyone why my makeup was smudged all over my face- I could't find the words to say it out loud. The only thing I could manage to find were tears. 

In between the group photo and pickup time, I read my friend Laura's blog. Escaping into someone else's world was just what the doctor ordered. I read this post and laughed so hard it dried my tears. (Thank you, Laura for spraying your husband in the mouth with a water hose.)

I thought I was starting to feel okay. I'd left a message with the vet and the tech I spoke with felt like Broadway was having a normal setback and everything was probably fine. (But she thought I needed to be on medication- because you know, I cried when I told her what was happening with him.) I "cowgirl'd up" and went inside to get Little Miss....totally avoiding eye contact with everyone and managed to make it back to the car without crying. Sweet.

Then the phone rang. It was one of my favorite people- another mom of a graduating preschooler, an awesome friend...who thought I was mad at her.

I instantly broke out into hysterically crying...which, I'm sure, made it nearly impossible for her to understand me. But bless her heart- she listened to me, told me I wasn't crazy and comforted me by saying she knew everything would be okay. I believed her, it was going to be okay.

Little Miss and I picked up my daddy for lunch and ran into another sweet friend of ours...who is a pool genius and is turning our "pond" in our backyard back into a pool. (Seriously, she's amazing. It was so gross even snakes were disgusted by it.) She is an animal person like myself...obviously she is b/c she braves the dobermans in the backyard to reach the pool the snakes are afraid of. I left her to work her magic and told her I have my phone if she needs me.

Except Little Miss was playing a game on said phone and shut the sound off...so I didn't hear her call when she called to say the dogs (2 of the 3) had gotten out...of the backyard...that they never leave.

Holy hell. I screamed at a waiter "I NEED MY CHECK!" like a mad woman. All I could picture was Sassy and Calvin (Zorro was in the house) as road kill. They are protective, they are wonderful guard dogs...but street smart? Pahaha, no. Cars? They're fun things to dart in front of, right?! I was trying my hardest to not freak the hell out because 1) I was in a restaurant with my father and daughter and 2) I was with my daughter...who adores these dogs and 3) Let's face it, Little Miss is her mother's child- she was already thinking the worst.

I ran to the car, dragging Little Miss and took off. The restaurant happened to be less than a minute away from my house but it seemed like forever. I prayed I would round the corner and see them waiting for me- but no. I grabbed Zorro & set out running screaming (and crying at this point) "SASSY!! CALVIN!! COME HOME, BABIES!" (This would be the moment all of my neighbors confirmed that I was all sorts of crazy.) The mail lady happened to be delivering our mail and told me she thought my dogs were at the elementary school...probably terrifying children by their vicious licks. I started running towards the school and when I rounded the corner...what did I see? Two little dobies, running wide open (but so close together they looked like they were attached) tongues waggin', legs all over the place. I was so thrilled to see them that at first I wasn't mad at all. Shortly after their return, I found out they not only went to the elementary school- but also to a lawyers office on the main road....then I grounded them. Our pool whisperer was such a help- she drove all over town looking for them. Only a true animal person would do that...she was just as worried as I was.

So now that my day from hell is over...I can laugh at myself a little. It wasn't until today that I was able to do that though. The vet called me from a neighboring town this morning- he had to come down here for an emergency and wanted to see if I'd like to have Broadway checked out. Um, yes, please. Turns out- he had an abscess in his hoof that was trying its best to make its way out- but the Christina Louboutin's were putting a stop to it. Once the vet removed his shoe on the "bad" leg- the abscess burst and he instantly felt much better.

And so did I.