Just Holding On

“We’ve done this before,” she said to me, both of us wiping tears from our cheeks.

She was right, but it felt as if I had just moved her into her freshman dorm. All the worries and concerns I’d had the year before were fighting to push to the front of my brain.

Did I give her all the information she needed?
Does she know who she can trust?
Does she have enough illegal pepper spray?

But my faith fought back… She’s got this, Mama. And so do you. Listen to her—she’s consoling you now. When did she get so wise?

We had spent three wonderful days together, with our hype woman, Bub, by our side—one day on the farm, one day driving to NYC and moving into her new dorm, and one day settling in and window-shopping in the city. We made a month’s worth of memories in those three days, and then…there we were, staring at each other in front of an elevator, prolonging the inevitable “see-ya-soon” snuggle.

There are hundreds of books that prepare you for What to Expect When You’re Expecting, but what prepares you for the college years? You spend roughly eighteen years preparing your little one for the world, but what prepares you for their departure? As a mom, you feel every emotion your child does—the excitement, the nerves, the fear, the anxiousness, the happiness, the sadness—the homesickness. The roller coaster your child is on somehow finds you, the parent, tethered to the back end of the ride—hitting every bump along the way and slingshotting around every curve with your grown-up baby. I don’t know that much could prepare you for that. But in the same breath, being there and feeling those emotions with your child also adds gratitude to the list. Grateful to be along for the crazy ride—even if you’re tethered to the back of the last cart; even if the emotions overwhelm you both—you still feel honored. You still feel like you are part of their daily routine, even though you aren’t sitting in the school pickup line anymore.

The adventures go by quickly—each round of the ride. My heart was in my stomach waiting for that elevator, just as it was the year before, standing on the street in front of her dorm before heading home… it didn’t seem as if a whole year had passed.

I’m so thankful to be a part of the ride. Just don’t ever forget I’m back there, holding on to every moment with you, my baby.

Dream Big

“The boxes of the annual are here.”

My heart fluttered like it was Christmas morning. Months of work—literal blood, sweat, cusswords, and tears (and a few small fights) went into this one, huge body of work. 

In September, I took on the marketing position at Bayliss Boatworks. I was excited to try something new in a familiar setting. For years, I’d been doing photos for the company in conjunction with billing for new construction projects; now I was ready for more words and fewer numbers on the daily. The Bayliss Annual was always mentioned with a sheepish grin: “You know it’s a big project” (I’m ready for it), “It’ll make you crazy” (Ha. Already crazy.), “IT IS A LOT” (So am I).

Honestly, parts of the job description reminded me of an ad for a horse that I would want in my pasture-—everything in my life always comes back to horses. He rears sometimes. He hates fly spray. Sometimes he boogers at his own shadow. Sounds perfect.

I wondered- while I was warned about the vices of the marketing position, were my superiors reminded of mine? Stubborn. Doesn’t take no for an answer. Will tell you no in a heartbeat. Did we mention stubborn as a mule? I’ve never been one to shy away from a challenge. Perhaps my bosses felt the same way.

The Bayliss Annual is a short magazine detailing happenings around the boatshop over the previous year. It includes articles on upcoming projects or features—engines, sonars, and custom in-house additions. For the last several years, I’ve tagged along on the Annual’s journey, helping with photos or proofreading. But there’s nothing quite like being in the driver’s seat…

This year, the entire body of work sprang from ideas in my brain: article ideas—researching—interviewing—photographing—writing—editing—and ad slinging. Seeing this project through has been all-encompassing, incredible, and at times a little overwhelming— but in the best way.

A little over twenty years ago, I was a journalism student at East Carolina University whose passion was writing. I was thrilled to land a position as a staff writer at The East Carolinian, our school newspaper, covering any topic they’d assign me. (Mostly nothing riveting, but I didn’t care—someone trusted my writing, and I was beyond thrilled.)

Now, as I sit back and review the Bayliss Annual for the 700th time, I’m overwhelmed again. This is a dream from twenty years ago come true. That journalism student who wrote for free just to put her words out in the world dreamed of writing in a magazine. The dream I dreamed came true—but on a much larger scale. Not only did I get to write in a magazine, I created it from cover to cover, with my photography featured alongside my words. Sometimes our dreams seem big—but God’s dreams for us are bigger.

I’m incredibly thankful for two decisions I made in 2019: 1) going back to East Carolina to complete the degree I started in 2002; and 2) accepting a position at Bayliss Boatworks. I never imagined those choices would one day align, but here we are. I’m grateful for my stubborn streak—that part of me that never lets go—because look at all I would’ve missed.