Just Holding On

“We’ve done this before,” she said to me, both of us wiping tears from our cheeks.

She was right, but it felt as if I had just moved her into her freshman dorm. All the worries and concerns I’d had the year before were fighting to push to the front of my brain.

Did I give her all the information she needed?
Does she know who she can trust?
Does she have enough illegal pepper spray?

But my faith fought back… She’s got this, Mama. And so do you. Listen to her—she’s consoling you now. When did she get so wise?

We had spent three wonderful days together, with our hype woman, Bub, by our side—one day on the farm, one day driving to NYC and moving into her new dorm, and one day settling in and window-shopping in the city. We made a month’s worth of memories in those three days, and then…there we were, staring at each other in front of an elevator, prolonging the inevitable “see-ya-soon” snuggle.

There are hundreds of books that prepare you for What to Expect When You’re Expecting, but what prepares you for the college years? You spend roughly eighteen years preparing your little one for the world, but what prepares you for their departure? As a mom, you feel every emotion your child does—the excitement, the nerves, the fear, the anxiousness, the happiness, the sadness—the homesickness. The roller coaster your child is on somehow finds you, the parent, tethered to the back end of the ride—hitting every bump along the way and slingshotting around every curve with your grown-up baby. I don’t know that much could prepare you for that. But in the same breath, being there and feeling those emotions with your child also adds gratitude to the list. Grateful to be along for the crazy ride—even if you’re tethered to the back of the last cart; even if the emotions overwhelm you both—you still feel honored. You still feel like you are part of their daily routine, even though you aren’t sitting in the school pickup line anymore.

The adventures go by quickly—each round of the ride. My heart was in my stomach waiting for that elevator, just as it was the year before, standing on the street in front of her dorm before heading home… it didn’t seem as if a whole year had passed.

I’m so thankful to be a part of the ride. Just don’t ever forget I’m back there, holding on to every moment with you, my baby.