The Day the Blond Went Hunting

With hunting season rapidly approaching, I thought I would share about my first hunting experience which just occurred last fall. While I come from a hunting family, I am far from a hunter. I tend to be more apt to adopt something fury with four-legs, rather than murder it in cold blood hunt it...but I'm always up for trying something new...and was actually pretty excited for the experience.

I knew we would have to wake up in the wee-hours of the morning and assumed that there was not a coffee-maker in the Breaking Bad inspired 'bus' we were sleeping in. {Seriously, Walter White wouldn't even cook meth in this thing.} So, I snagged some bottled Frappucinos as a coffee-backup plan. I definitely didn't want to start out our morning of killing the defenseless without proper caffeination.

We hopped on the 4wheeler and set off down a dark path.

"Don't the deer hear us coming!?" I yelled asked.

"WHAT?!?!!" my sweet man replied.

"Don't the deer...nevermind."

I knew there was no way he could hear me over the 4wheeler motor.

A few moments later, we arrived at our deer stand. 

"Where does the 4wheeler hide? Don't the deer see that and think DANGER AHEAD?! I mean...in Bambi...." I was stopped by the look. The one that says, are you seriously asking me if deer sense danger? We are here to hunt- they get shot for a reason.

I moved on. I had a plethora of questions I needed answers to.

Once the 4wheeler was safely hidden in a nearby bush, we climbed into the deer stand. As the sun began to rise over the fields, I surprised myself. I was having such a good time taking in all the nature that surrounded me. The fog rising...the birds chirping...the crackle in the woods...wait.

"Is that a deer!?" I whispered, excitedly.

"No, it sounds like a bird or something. Shh," my sweet man said, trying so hard to be patient.

"Do you think it's a spotter?"

"A what?!"

"A spotter...for the deer. Like- they send out the bird first to peep the scene," I said, trying to keep a straight face. {peep the scene}

I got the look again.

"SHHHH" he said, lighting a cigarette- he seemed stressed for some odd reason.

"Don't they smell that!?" I asked.

He took a deep breath and put his head in his hands. 

I decided I would try to file some of my questions away for a later time. He clearly didn't appreciate my commentary. But I was just so curious.

I heard a gunshot in the distance. I had to fight the urge to scream, "RUN BAMBI RUN!!!!!!!" 

"Look!" my sweet fella whispered, pointing behind our stand.

Running through the field behind us were four deer. {Too far away to shoot at. Score!} Now, I couldn't tell you about racks or if it was a doe, ray or mi...but they were breathtaking. 

"Look how fast they are. I want to ride one!!" I said.

I got the look, followed by a Jesus.

As the excitement faded, I felt my eyes starting to get heavy. Knowing talking was not an option to keep me awake, I opted for my trusty Frappucino. If anyone has ever opened one of those, you know it's not the most quiet activity I could've chosen.

Crackle. Craaccccckle. Crackle. Crrrraaaaackle. 

"Sorry," I whispered.

The look.

Craccccckle.

"There. It's off," I said, proudly twisting off the top.

POP. {I had forgotten about the sealed top, whoops.}

"Seriously!?!?" my sweet(?) man yelped.

"SHHHH!!! You'll scare the deer!!" I replied, taking a sip of my coffee.

He looked at his gun. Clearly contemplating shooting something other than the deer. I got the look one last time before we climbed down from tree stand and headed back to Walt White's.

I wasn't banned from the hunting camp...but I was given much stricter instructions on trip #2. Along with duct tape.

Happy hunting!

When A Dignified Cowgirl Goes Camping...And Meets A Racist

A few weekends ago, I did something I haven't done in years. I went away for the weekend with my cowgirls and our horses. We spent the weekend in a cornfield...totally roughing it. Well, roughing it with a horse-trailer that had a shower, toilet and heat. (Things have changed a lot since my last camping trip.)

The first night, we were all excited to cook our steaks on the grill...and sip our lemonade and vodka cocktails while watching our horses nibble on hay. Except...none of us knew how to use the grill. (When Blonde Cowgirls Go Camping...reality show coming soon.) Thankfully, our (brunette) friend, Laina, cooked our steaks for us...but we forgot the steak knives- so we had to tear into the steak like we were on The Walking Dead. (But I think even they have steak knives.)

Later that evening, we joined lots of other cowgals at the barn & drank...and danced...and drank. It was a great group of folks- everyone laughing and genuinely having a great time. (It could've been the fact that it was 35 degrees outside...and the barn had heat.)

We walked back to the trailer about midnight, totally exhausted. The heat felt amazing...right up until the electricity in the trailer...cut off. (When Drunk Blonde Cowgirls Go Camping?) The generator was on...but nothing was working inside the trailer. It was way too much to comprehend. Thankfully we figured out we'd blown a fuse or a circuit or something- and as quick as the power shut off, we got it back on.

The following day was the big ride. I had been concerned that Tristan may revisit his prancing actions from the parade the previous year. He did...but this time there was no elderly couple for him to bolt towards. We pranced and spun circles for roughly 6 hours. It had the potential to be a stressful day- but I totally enjoyed every minute of it. It was so much fun to be around all my girlfriends, all decked out in Dignified Cowgirls gear.

Later that evening, we all met back up at the barn for more dancing...and apple pie. (Did you guys know that isn't just dessert!? I've never been so happy and proud to be southern in my life!) We were all attempting to learn the wobble...since the DJ played it about 27 times...when a fella approached me. 

"I wanna ask you something," says the fella dressed in head-to-toe orange.

Now, if you know me, you know that Drunk Eden can be one of two things- your lovable best friend, or the bitch who will claw your eyes out b/c you pissed her off. And the line between the two? Very, very thin.

"Me? What do you wanna ask me?!" I said.

"I just wanna know why...why all you dance to is that n*gger music!" he says, stone faced, dead serious.

My heart was beating so loud, I could no longer hear any other noises that surrounded me. I floated outside my body and watched myself strangle the orange stranger- and slam his lifeless head into the concrete floor. (It was a dark moment.) 

"What did you just say to me!?" I asked...snapping out of my dark moment, thinking maybe I had missed something. People like this don't really still exist today, do they? 

But I hadn't missed anything. I'd heard him correctly the first time. I wondered why, of all the people dancing in the barn...he chose me to ask this question. I think God sent him to me...because homeboy was about to get an earful from a blonde-cowgirl-rapper-wife. (And a drunk one, at that.)

"Because it keeps racist assholes like YOU away from us...that's why!" I said.

He tried to butt-in...but I pressed on.

"So that's how you classify all hiphop music, huh? That's what you call it? Let me just tell you something..." I proceeded...at this point, I believe my finger was in his face about a quarter of an inch away from his eyeballs. (His friends scattered.)

"Hip hop is all colors, shapes and sizes...you dumb, redneck *^*$)#@)*%&" (Keep in mind, my shirt read "Dignified Cowgirls" on it. The words coming out of my mouth might not have been dignified, but the topic I was preaching? Totally effing dignified.)

About that time, my sistah, walked over to the DJ and requested Jump Around. 

"I, I...I'm not racist! I listen to 50 Cent!" he proudly proclaims.

"Well...good for you. You do realize he's a black man, right? Like our President?" I said. (Not sure why I felt like I needed to toss Barack into my argument...but whatever. I'll blame the apple pie.)

Then I heard the intro to Jump Around...and something took over my entire body, mind, soul and mouth...and I began jumping like I was in the NBA and screaming every word to Jump Around into the orange-redneck-racists face. (There is video of this...that I will take to my grave. House of Pain would probably totally sue me for the horrendous rendition. I could hardly walk the next day.)

I'm not sure if my words really changed the orange-redneck-racists life...but I can pretty much guarantee one thing- he will think twice before he asks a question like that again. I'm pretty sure if my words didn't terrify him...my dancing/jumping did the trick.

Kitty OD

I'm taking a break from editing to share a little story with you all...brighten your day a bit, make you laugh, gross you out, etc. (If you're not an animal person or are squeamish- you may want to skip this post.)

So yesterday morning, in the wee-way-to-early hours of 3am- I was  abruptly awoken when I rolled into a wet spot. (I can almost guarantee the 'wet spot' you're thinking is definitely not the one I'm referring to.) Sweet Pea was snuggled up next to me...and was soaking wet- all in the hind end area. I immediately thought it was his anal glands- but it had absolutely no scent and those of you who've ever smelled anal glands know there is definitely a scent. I put a towel under him & went back to sleep- he wasn't in pain or acting oddly so, I figured it'd probably go away on it's own. Whatever it was.

But it didn't. When I got up, it seemed worse. The uhmm, fluid, seemed like it was literally jogging right out of his butt. I still assumed it was the glands...so off to the vet we went.

A trip to the vet's office is never cheap. There are always a few things you didn't know you needed that you're told your cat will die without. (And Sweet Pea is Little Miss's cat..so you know I had no choice but to get him all better, immediately.) The doctor decides that what I was actually seeing was diarrhea, not anal gland 'juice' (gag) and it's caused from a bacterial infection. He got several shots and we were sent home with antibiotics and a sad heart. (I had the sad heart from the bill, in case you're wondering.)

Shortly after walking in the door, I notice Little Miss's chocolate milk cup from the night before sitting on the floor...empty. (Sweat Pea has been known to drink out of cups, then knock them over when he's finished.) Would chocolate milk cause a cat to have diarrhea like that??? Well, chocolate milk with an adult dose of Miralax mixed in it will. Ouch.

I looked over at Sweet Pea, as if to ask, seriously, dude? You drank that? And I was greeted by a what the hell are you putting in your child's food!?!?! THAT WAS AWFUL! kind of look. Poor guy, he almost-literally shit his brains out.

I think he learned his lesson. 

Straight from the horse's Miss's Mouth

"Mama, do you know what wee-wee means?"

"Well, I think it means..."
"It means pee-pee in French!"

----

"I love you more than the ocean, Mama!"

----

After a friend heard Little Miss say this:

"In your face!! Peace out, yo!"

The friend told me:

"That's hilarious- I guess you don't have to worry 'til she says In your face, sucka!!"

To which Little Miss replied:

"In you face, LOLLIPOP!" (I seriously almost wee-wee'd on myself.)

----

"Mom! Mom! Mom!" (puts hand up to her mouth) "I have to tell you something!"

----

"Mom, what was your favorite part of today? Mine was..."

----

"I'm going to dream about unicorns and mermaids, tonight...goodnight!"


----

 "Mom? Do you still love me when your face turns red? Like...when you're mad?"



----

"Look!! A Piggly Wiggly shirt!!!!"
(5 seconds later)
"Wiggly your Piggly!!!!!!!!!"

----

"Mom, I want to go to Australia and steal back Papa...let's go."

----

"Well...that lady was mean to me and you just need to karate chop her, Mama"

----

*singing* "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly....I don't know why she swallowed the fly.....UGH!! I can't work under these conditions!!!!!"

----

Oh, you just never know what my Little Miss will say. ;-)

Most Hilarious/Embarrassing Night Of My Life

Friday night, Little Miss and I had a little bit of a night out on the town. We started our evening some of our favorite little and big girls over at La Fogata. (Yum, just saying the name of that heavenly place makes me hungry.) Little Miss had a great time with her friends- it was a trip to see. They all had either iPhones of iTouches out and played on them just about the entire dinner...only stopping to eat quickly and make a trip to the counter to get ring pops.

After dinner, no one wanted to go home...so the big girls decided to head over to karaoke while the little girls went home to play together. This is where the night began to go down in history as the most hilarious and embarrassing night of my life, thus far.

So you get the picture...the voices of reason (ie: the sober parties) were myself and Mandy Stetson. If you know either of us or have been intoxicated around us, you'll know that we are probably not the best voice of reason. Mostly, we'll point and laugh at you- in the most loving way, of course. The most you can ask out of us is that we try to make sure you don't strip naked in the bar. (But really...no promises.)

The singing in the bar was surprisingly pretty good...but it was the most depressing of depressing country music known to man. (And I love me some country music...but this was too much.) So, one of our party decided that Mandy and I (note: the only sober people, besides the bartenders, in the place) should liven up the place.

"You can rap, right Eden?"

"Huh?" I said, instantly terrified.

"Yea..you can...do some Beastie Boys or something!"

"What? Who? No, no..."

"Let's do 'Baby Got Back'!"

Okay, so I know I can do Baby Got Back b/c I've been known to rock out to that song with Little Miss while mopping the floor...or cooking dinner...or driving well, just about anywhere. So we sign up to do that song...and just as we put our names in, I realize that I went to high school with both the bartenders. I thought to myself, well...maybe they don't recognize me....and that thought was interrupted by waves from both of them. Crap.

By the time our name was called, our friend- who's birthday it happened to be- decided to join us. She had no qualms about jumping right up on stage and reading every single word off the prompter. (Her enunciation and pronunciation were incredible, considering she'd had quite a few birthday drinks and had never heard the song before.)

My palms were sweaty and I had cotton-mouth like nobody's business. It became quite clear to my why I'm not the performer in the family. If it was up to me to get onstage every night and bring home the bacon, we'd have to go steal a pig. (ba-dum-chi)

I'm quite certain the karaoke-man, who didn't care for me or Mandy, never turned our microphone on b/c I couldn't hear myself to save my life. By the time we finished and got back to our seats, I was greeted by a friendly face...a mother of a girl I'd gone to high school with.

"Hey! That was so cute what ya'll did up there....what, what was that? What do you call that?" said in a thick, Southern accent. (thick as in, how Britney Spears sounds when she's trying to be southern, not British)

"It's umm, rap music...the song was called 'Baby Got Back'" I explained.

"Ohhh, uh huuuh...I've never heard of that. I will have to look it up on the internet."

"Yea...you should. It's about girls with huge asses," I said with a smile.

"Oh...well. Well, that was really cute! Bye, now!" she said flustered, while walking away from me as fast as possible.

A few minutes passed and the birthday-girl decided she wanted to sing another upbeat song. What's more upbeat that 50 Cent? I got all excited for her b/c I didn't think I'd have to join her onstage...wrong.

Hands down the most hilarious moment of the night occurred with the birthday-girl began to recite the lyrics to 'In The Club' and instead of saying 'Look Mami I got the X if you into taking drugs' she said "Look Miami...I got the X cuz I'm into have SEX!!" I thought I was going to fall over. Neither Mandy nor I could even begin to be her hype-girls b/c we were laughing so hard we couldn't even catch our breath. (In fact, I'm laughing pretty hard right now while I'm typing this...my dogs think I've lost it.)

Did I mention it was snowing that particular night? It was...in North Carolina...snowing. I think that's a sign that I should never ever do kareoke again.

Oh and can I tell you how happy I am that no one had a video camera that particular night? The thought of me on youtube absolutely terrifies me.

Gay Gray Squirel

One of Little Miss's most favorite songs goes a little something like this...

"Gray squirrel, gray squirrel- shake your fuzzy tail...
Wrinkle up your little nose...
Put a nut between your toooes...
Gray squirrel, gray squirrel- shake your fuzzy tail..."

My mom taught it to her- I, personally think it's a nasty little song. Anyway...

While walking through the yard, my mom (who was ahead of Little Miss & I) saw a very dead, gray squirrel. So she said, "Keep Little Miss over that way- this gray squirrel has lost his fuzzy tail..."

Well, we decided it was a cute story to tell over dinner to my dad. (What? You don't talk about dead squirrels during dinner? Strange.)

I tell my dad the exact story above...and notice during the whole story he's looking at me so oddly.

"And you didn't want her to see the squirrel..." he says.

"No, we thought it might be a little traumatic for her," I told him.

"Uh huh...because he was gay?" he said, being absolutely serious.

"No! Because he was dead!!" I said.

"Well, how'd you know he was gay?!!?"

"GRAY!!"

"Ohhh...that makes more sense."

Oh, Daddy.

City to City

Whew...the last few days went by too quick! 

From Chicago we went on to Milwaukee, Wisconsin...

• I got a speeding ticket...on guess what highway? Eden Expressway...right after paying a toll at Eden Spur. (80 in a 65...if you must know.)
• We spent the night in the hotel where Jeffery Dahmer killed one of his earlier victims. I slept surprisingly well- although I felt like all the workers in the hotel were creepy and robotic. (They had Aveda shampoo...I was particularly thrilled about that.)
• Ate TGIFriday's in Miller's Park/Brewer's Stadium.

From Milwaukee to Detroit, Michigan...

• I drove the exact speed limit for the entire 7 hour drive. I cursed as literally every car zoomed past us.
• I sneezed through 3 states.
• We ordered the best room service dinner I've ever had in my life- after the show. Homemade French Onion soup like you wouldn't believe!

From Detroit to Cinncinati, Ohio...

• Again, I drove the exact speed limit for the entire 4.5 hour drive. And again...cursed as literally every car zoomed past us. (I hope they all got speeding tickets too!)
• We stayed at a gorgeous hotel...that must've been 100+ years old. I was sad to be informed that it would only be open for another 2 weeks.
• I finally ate at a Steak'n'Shake! (I know...the whole no red meat thing is kind of off. Eh well.) It was incredible! The burgers...the shakes- Oh My God. It's a good thing we don't have one anywhere near us or I'd eat there for literally every meal.

From Cinncinati to the OBX...

• I woke up after only 2 hours of sleep...and seriously considered switching my flight to the next city on the La Coka tour. The thought of seeing Little Miss in roughly 7 hours made me get out of bed...
• The rental shuttle dropped me off in the Cinncinati Airport terminal for US Airways...but there were no signs directing me where to find US Airways. There were also no people in the airport.
• While I looked around, praying for someone to come help me...my duffle bag's shoulder strap broke on both sides. How does that happen at the same exact time!? After I gathered my bag, I finally found out where to find US Airways.
• My flight to Charlotte was uneventful...except for my ears filling up and refusing to pop until this morning.
• While I was waiting for my connecting flight to Norfolk, my mom called and informed me that their neighbors doghouse had caught fire...and if they hadn't been getting up early to come get me from the airport- the flames could've caught fire to the neighbors house, as well as my parents house. (The dogs are fine, thankfully!)

I think that's about all the fun stories I have from my trip!

Oh...and since I failed to mention how incredible La Coka's shows were (it really goes without saying)...here are a few pictures-

I'm An American

Today Little Miss and I spent the morning at the aquarium with my daddy. It was lovely. :)

"Does anyone else see the giant alligator behind me"

"Kisses to that adorable baby!! Oh, that's me!"

Check out the octopus hat...how cute is Little Miss? We hoped to find an octopus in the aquarium but were sad to find that he'd just passed away a few days ago..:(