If Honesty Offends You...

...then I suggest you stop reading this post.

Like last time, I've held a debated with myself all day as to whether or not I should make this post public or if I should just write it and get it out, but keep it private. I decided to put it out there b/c everyone has a 'Johnna' in their family. Maybe some of you can relate, as well.

An Open Letter To Johnna:

Initially, when you asked me to meet you at the Dare County Detention Center the day you were set to be put into jail for 9 months, I hesitated. Why did you want me there? Why would I even consider going? You'd put our family through so much- why would I give you the satisfaction of having someone walk you into those doors and give a pleasant 'send off'?

I didn't do it for you. I did it for your Mother. Your Mother, who has dedicated her entire life to you and your drug addiction. At this point, she has as big of a problem as you do- because she can't stop helping you.

I promised you I would write to you, but even I wasn't sure if I was telling you the truth. I said it to make your Mother smile. The thought of you sitting in jail for selling drugs broke her heart- but I knew if she thought you were reading letters from family, she'd have some peace with it. Have you ever done or said something just to make her smile? I wrote you several times, as did you to me. You wrote many times about the worry you felt for your Mother's health...how you couldn't wait to hug her. But it didn't take you long to run back to your tried and true old friend, just when your Mother needed you most. I hope you hugged your dealer like you hugged your Mother the day you were released from jail. It seems putting money in his pocket is much more important to you than your Mother.

My daughter will never go through the pains I did when I was little. I loved you so much, Johnna. I looked up to you...you were so fun to be around- everyone loved you- your house and yard were beautiful...you seemed so perfect. I looked up to you until the day my mom told me you were a drug addict. I was too young to understand why you would promise to take me to the beach or horseback riding and would never show up. I was almost 6 years old when she broke the news to me. She compared you to the addicts that we'd talked about in school in the D.A.R.E. program- I remember thinking "But those people are only in the D.A.R.E. program? Someone like that wouldn't be in our family." But you were. And we loved you in spite of it.

Holidays were always interesting in our household. No matter where you were living, you always found a way to make the holiday about you. Whether it was coming to Christmas dinner 3 hours early to pick through the food before anyone else could, or whether it was not showing up at all..it always came back to you. When you lived in Puerto Rico, we planned a two-week vacation to see you over Christmas break. I was so excited, I'd never flown before and I had seen so many amazing pictures of the waters in PR. About a month before we were set to leave, your husband called us and let us know that you'd been back to the tried and true love, again. He promised us he'd take care of us if we still wanted to come for the holiday but- who wants to vacation with someone who's coming down off crack and God knows what else? We canceled our trip. I was disappointed, but it wasn't the first time you'd done that to me.

I knew you'd done things to other family members- ie: steal cars, steal money...but you'd never done it directly to me. Then I turned 16. You called me because you needed a ride to pick up your Jeep that you'd loaned to someone. I was heading to that area of the OBX anyway- so I said 'No problem.' But picking up your Jeep was never your intention. You took me on a drug run. I attempted to leave you at the hotel where your "Jeep" was...but you told me to wait for you. Ten minutes later, a strung out, cracked out version of you got back into my car and I was instructed to take you back home. I didn't question you- but I made damn sure I never forgot the feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach that night. Whether you thought about it or not, whether you cared or not- you put my safety in jeopardy. I was 16!!

I let myself believe that you'd changed after being in jail for 9 months. I guess I was naive by thinking that 9 months in jail meant 9 months away from drugs. You and I both know it's almost as easy to get drugs in jail as it is to get them out of jail.

Do me a favor...stop lying to everyone, including yourself. Stop hurting your Mother, with every phone call you make to her. Just leave her alone- let her heal. For once, make an attempt to think about her instead of what you can get from her.

All the repressed anger I've had bottled up inside me for all these years, is finally being let out. If I ever see you again, do not expect me to act like I know you. I can't even do it for your Mother- us closing our eyes and biting our tongues is part of why you are the way you are.

Open your eyes...

-Eden

Home, Sweet...Bus

I was so happy to see that big red bus sitting in front of the Omaha International Airport waiting for us when we got off our plane this morning.

It may sound silly...but I missed it! We have been on it so much in the last month that it really feels like our home away from home. And get this...I even unpacked already!!

We started our journey out to Nebraska at approximately 3am this morning. My daddy (Southern girls always call their fathers 'daddy'...no matter how old they are)...was kind enough to wake up and drive us up to Norfolk to catch our 6am flight. We used my navigation device to make sure we wouldn't miss any exits on the way to the airport. I should've know this was going to be a sight- my dad vs. the navigation. He talked back to her the entire drive to Virginia. And proceeded to argue with her as she took us through backroads. I had to laugh at him- because through all the arguing, he didn't miss a single turn that she suggested we take. ;)

We had a short layover in Cleveland, which is gave me just enough time to question somethings that go on in airports.

-Security...I'm glad they're there...but why are they all jackasses? I have water in my Little Miss's bottle...and I ask security "Do you have to test this? Because if you do, I'll just pour it out to save time."...and they say "No, it's fine." Yet, once it goes through the xray machine they snatch it away from me and tell me they must test it- it's a regulation...because I said it was water. ?!?!

-Why is it that the automatic toilets (in airports especially) flush 100 times when you are sitting on them, using them...but when you stand up and need them to flush, they refuse?! (AND...why when they flush and you are sitting on them- are they flushing so forcefully that it gets my entire ass wet? Unpleasant.)

-Birds inside airports...how do the get there? Are they ever able to get out? Little Miss and I fed a little Mama Ren bird today...I found it odd that she ate the egg of my sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.

That's all for now :) XOs!

...

I'm not usually a downer...I'm usually the opposite- the person people call when they need to be cheered up, or at the very least, the one they call when they want someone to be pissed-off along with them.

It all began last night. Since leaving NC last Sunday, I had made my peace with my Grandmother being ill...not that I'd forgotten about it, but I had become more accepting of the fact that she isn't 70 years old anymore. I think part of my acceptance began when she was put on a fluid IV and started staying awake instead of sleeping most of her days...actually, I think it was more hope than acceptance. Anyway, last night I'd cooked a particularly fantastic meal of homemade mashed potatoes complete with gravy and hamburger steak. We'd just sat down to eat when the phone rang. I knew Mom and Dad had gone down to Swan Quarter to visit with Mama Clair, my aunt and uncle- so I immediately picked up the phone.

"Hello."

"Hey baby, wha'cha doing?" Mom said.

"Umm, about to eat...are you ok? How was Mama Clair today?" I asked.

"We just got back...Mama Clair isn't good, she didn't know me today," her voice cracked a bit as she told me.

I found myself wanting to get off the phone and pretend the conversation didn't happen. I wanted to pretend that it was last week, when she knew everyone...when she looked me in the eyes and tried her best to smile...when she looked at me and asked how everything was...

My heart hurts. I'm in a funk.

How Sweet It Is

...that's what the sign reads as you enter Brooklyn via the Verrazano Bridge. And last night, after driving over eight hours it was soooo sweet to see that sign.We had been down in North Carolina for almost two weeks...two wonderful weeks, filled with nothing but absolute joy- and lots of amazing food. As you can see from the flickr pictures on the right, Little Miss B got to go horseback riding several times- and learned several new words during our visit...one of them being "Daisy"- the name of her favorite horse, the other one being "Gan'Daddy". (Luckily, she said "Gan'Daddy" first!) My dad's face just beamed when he heard such a big word come out of that little mouth.
Since we were fortunate enough to spend so much time in NC this time, we had the opportunity to see damn near everyone in the county. The first weekend we were there we ventured down to Swan Quarter to see my Grandmom, Aunt, Uncle and my cousins. Almost a month ago, my grandmom, Mama Clair, fell in her driveway and has had a hard time recuperating. Since she lived alone (well, with her 30lb cat) at the time, she is staying with my Aunt and Uncle until she feels more like herself. It was hard to see her not moving around. I was amazed at how much she looked like her mother- something that I never really noticed before. We spent the day with her- and she couldn't have been happier to have all of her children, grandchildren and great-grandchild all together. It was great to see all my cousins- but this was really the first time my cousin, Mandy and I had gotten a chance to just chat it up with each other in quite some time. Aside from looking shockingly alike...to the point that both Mama Clair and Aunt Donna called me Mandy at least twice- we have such similar personalities, I just love her.
Christmas day Mom fixed enough food for a small army and it was all so good. It was sad to look around at our one full table of people eating Christmas dinner. I thought back to when I was little...our house was always packed with family. We had multiple tables full of people stuffing their faces inside our house and outside. This Christmas had its own excitement, watching Little Miss eat her turkey and squish the jello salad through her fingers...but it also had memories of Christmas pasts- with loved ones who have gone on. I had to fight back tears when I took pictures of my aunt playing with Little Miss's Christmas toys with her. I'm amazed at her strength each day- but especially on days like Christmas.
After Christmas we got to visit with another set of cousins that I hadn't seen since last Christmas...and that turned into a reunion down at the marina in Wanchese. (There is no place like the Wanchese Marina for burgers...or chicken sandwiches, mmm) It was great to visit with Tabb- I just wish we would've had more time together. We bonded over babies, blogging and those incredible chicken sandwiches, haha. I could not believe how tall Dawson has gotten...one thing that never changes about that little one is how sweet he is. He is the most respectable little boy I have ever been around. Again, I just wish I had gotten to spend more time with them...but hopefully that will just push them on up to NYC for a visit!! ;) (hint, hint)
It was such an enjoyable trip. Even though the drive home was long- it was fun as well. We spent most of the trip just talking, while the munchkin napped and watched her movies. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful family...both here and in NC. (and VA ;))

Sharks & Otters & Alligators...Oh MY!

Welcome to the Roanoke Island Aquarium! (Featuring one of the largest ocean tanks on the East Coast!)

Little Miss Alligator Mama (left)

The otter tank- they were so happy to see people, they were showing off for us. (We were the ONLY people in the entire aquarium!) (right)

Snapping turtles- I bet you didn't know that they can attack an alligator, and win! (left)

A Cottonmouth-water moccasin having dinner. (These poisonous fellas are commonly found in wetlands...ie: my parents backyard.) (right)

 

I'm not sure who had more fun...us or the little one.

 

Shark tank!

Sting Ray/Horseshoe crab petting tank. Don't fall in!